Living for Me

I have been living my life for others for as long as I can remember even if I didn't realize at the time that's what I was doing. I was the oldest child constantly trying to live my life to make my parents proud and constantly feeling like I was coming up short. When I moved out on my own I still was more concerned about what my family thought about my life than how I felt about my life. I lost weight when my family told me I was looking a little big, and I drank instead of doing drugs because my family was okay with drinking, but told me smoking pot would make me a bad person. I didn't go to therapy because I was scared of ever talking badly about anyone in my life (this comes from a bad child therapist experience I had in 1st or 2nd grade who told the people I talked about what I said). Every decision I made revolved around how someone in my family would react to it. When I got my first tattoo half my family was fine because they all have them but the other half was upset and I felt like I let them down. Later on in life I got a forearm tattoo that the family who previously despised my tattoos actually found it to be like art, but the side that typically had condoned tattoos now questioned why I would get something like it on my arm so again I felt like I had let them down. No matter what I did I always felt like the fuck up of the family and I based how I saw myself as a person (success or failure) on how I thought my family saw me.

As I got older the list of people who's opinions I let dictate my life grew. From boyfriends who didn't like my hair long so I cut it (despite hating having short hair) to in-laws who pointed out every thing they found "wrong" with me and that if I told anyone about what they did I was in the wrong so I kept quiet. I let others influence me and my life in so many ways and I didn't even see that I was doing it after a while it was just habit. I started my first blog to be able to tell my truth about what I was going through to hopefully help others, but when the people I had been hurt by made it clear I needed to shut it down and not talk about any of it I did. I didn't continue with my own healing because I was worried about what they wanted instead of what I needed.

My whole life my first thought was always about what others would think about me or my life, and as I've been putting in the work to better my mental health I've realized I didn't much consider what I thought about myself or my life. By putting their wants and needs first I had taught everyone that I would always be second.

This was a hard realization to come to because in my mind I had always seen myself as independent and not caring what others thought. It also required me to do some soul searching and find out who I truly want to be as a person. In order to find out who I want to be I also had to face who I was in the past and that's not always easy or pretty. I haven't always been a good person even though I do feel I have always wanted to do my best to be a good person. There are points in my life where I was mean, hateful, jealous, petty, and just not a good person so facing that truth wasn't easy, but it was worth it. By facing the worst parts of myself in my past I was able to pinpoint what I don't want to be and begin to move forward as a better version of myself. I have spent the last few months focussed on pursuing the things that bring me joy and surrounding myself only with people who help me be a better version of myself. I attempted to make amends where I could, but did not tie my personal sense of being to their acceptance of amends. This has been the most freeing. I am no longer going to live my life for others first. I am going to life my life for me and Nelson because he's my partner. Working on my own mental health has helped our relationship. It's also helping Nelson work on his own mental health and work through his own past trauma which I'm so proud of him for.

So let me introduce you to the "Victoria" I've gotten to know so far because she's pretty dope...

I don't drink except for the occasional seltzer, but I do take Delta-8 (it's legal in Texas) to help with my anxiety and help me eat when I'm feeling the destructive "don't eat you're fat" intrusive thoughts coming back. I work my butt off running my business, and I'm not a failure, I'm actually really good at what I do. I'm also starting to brag on myself more because I spent far too long ragging on myself. I am not in the best shape anymore but I am mentally a lot healthier so that's still a win. I have an amazing husband that I'm able to enjoy my time with and no longer let negative thoughts of losing him control or scare me. We started bowling again and I forgot how much I love the bowling alley it's like my new happy place. I haven't been diagnosed but I am 99% sure I have ADHD (or ADD again not officially diagnosed but the writing is on the wall lol) and I've used this to my advantage finding ways to work with my brain instead of against it. I'm a good friend and fiercely loyal and protective to those I care about. I'm a bomb-ass wife and so thankful to have a truly blessed marriage that we have built on communication and trust. I am likely never going to be a mom, but that doesn't mean I can't be a loving, safe, nurturing presence in a child's life. I have also realized my infertility is not a reflection on me as a person and it's not God's way of telling me I would be a bad mom, but instead it may be a blessing in disguise. I'm not a burden, I am loved. And most importantly the world is a better place with me in it and I no longer wish I was dead.

I still have so much more to learn about myself, but by setting more clear boundaries in my life and in my mind I know I'll continue to grow and learn. If you have been living your life for others this is your sign to get to know yourself again because you're amazing and the world deserves to see your truest, happiest self.

🤍 Victoria 💛

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